For a while now, I’ve been wanting to do something where I rank random things, like every joke in Airplane!: The Movie, or the quality of ice teas at Buc-ees throughout the state. Originally I had hoped to create a WordPress plug-in to help manage the list, but … well … I’m lazy.
But as they say, we shouldn’t let perfection be the enemy of good, and I decided to just rank something to see if I could.
And so I now present to you: A ranking of every riff from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Short The Chicken of Tomorrow. This was a pretty easy one to do since the short wasn’t every long, but the DVD I have of it doesn’t have close captioning, which made the transcribing a little tedious. I’ve added notes about some of the jokes in the list. And if you find your favorite riff low in the list … well … even the bad riffs are still pretty good in this one.
And now THE (ranking of the) CHICKEN OF TOMORROW ….
- Mike: Eggs are complicated. They should cost $100 each!
- This is possibly one of favorite MST3k lines. I’ll occasionally say “X is complicated. It should cost $100 each!
- Tom: Some eggs don’t even exist.
- This is another line that I will randomly say.
- Crow: There’s no driver … The chickens are taking over!
- The perfect way to end the short!
- Crow: Oh you can’t wait for things to happen, you’ve got to make them happen!
- Crow: Yes it’s chicken! Glorious American chicken sliced the American way!
- Crow: Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron
- Tom: But aren’t chickens with good self-esteem equally important?
- Tom: Mork calling Orson
- This is a reference to the TV show Mork and Mindy starring Robin Williams as Mork from Ork. The Orks used egg-shaped spaceships that you had to break out of like a chicken breaking out of an egg. Mork would telepathically contact his boss by repeating the mantra: “Mork calling Orson, come in Orson.”
- Tom: Aren’t there suppose to be pantyhose in there?
- A reference to the old L’eggs Pantyhose that were a thing in the 80’s.
- Tom: The unholy alliance between big oil and big chickens.
- Mike: Stop throwing them at my car!
- Narrator: Here’s a few facts about eggs …
- Mike: I’ll have an egg tomorrow, I swear!
- Crow: GRADING!
- Tom: Or put a warning slip on her desk.
- Tom: Eat and Grow forever!
- Crow: Oh yea, who hasn’t?
- Narrator: Have you ever noticed the old hen turning her eggs over in her nest?
- Crow: She’s worth millions.
- Mike: Miss Moss, and for you Miss Taylor.
- This is definitely a reference to model Kate Moss and her incredible thinness. I think they are also referencing Elizabeth Taylor, though I think she’d probably want a drumstick.
- Mike: Time to Die …
- Reference to the famous line from Blade Runner.
- Mike: 40 piece chicken nuggets to go!
- Does McDonald’s even do 40 piece McNuggets anymore?
- Tom: Hey guys! It’s God!
- Mike: She will live.
- Apparently Eggs / Feed determines life or death.
- Mike: Ride the Wild Mouse!
- I always say this line when I open the Wild Mouse Ride in Parkitech.
- Mike: I’d like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more the Man of Today?
- Mike: Wait a minute: Men and women breeding better poultry? What kinda sick experiment is going on here?
- Crow: Oh pardon me.
- This line isn’t that funny, but I love the voice Crow does for it.
- Tom: OOOOOOOOOOO!
- Crow: I’ve seen the episode where the eggs come to fast and she starts putting them in her mouth.
- This is a reference to the Chocolate Factory Scene from I Love Lucy.
- Mike: I hate it when people tape their own deliveries.
- Mike: It’s Goofus and Gallant.
- Goofus and Gallant were a comic from Highlights
- Mike: Life is grand! It stretches out in front of me like an eternity!
- Crow: Garage sale … Goodwill … save for the kids …
- Mike: That guys is escaping disgusted as a chicken!
- *Crow miming eating chicks*
- I’ve seen this short at least a billion times, but this is the first time I noticed Crow miming eating the chicks on screen. Hilarious.
- Tom: Yeah, they own everything.
- Narrator: You know how chickens are …
- Tom: Joey the Cockstone Tortellie, Ricky the Davantello, Jimmy Crazy Cock Cochinee (probably not transcribed right)
- Honestly, this joke should be higher on the ranking, but I think I was a little bitter having to listen to the same section a billion times over to get the names and the DVD not having Closed Captioning.
- Tom: Everybody, Soylent Green is made from Chickens!
- This is a reference to the last scene in the movie Soylent Green. Futurama has made several hilarious references to Soylent Green as well.
- Mike: There’s no point – it’s just funny!
- Crow: These are your chickens on drugs.
- This is, of course, making fun of the 80’s PSA. Who knew eggs were a gateway drug?
- Mike: So put your mouth under a chicken.
- Crow: Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.
- Mike: So you can see why egg farming is so fascinating.
- Mike: Full of Salmonella Tom: *Smacking noises*
- Salmonella is an infection that you can get from some animals and pets.
- Mike: These chickens were smoking in bed.
- Apparently smoking cigarettes in bed used to be really common. Sounds kind of disgusting to me.
- Crow: May I have a piece of my own white meat please?
- Tom: Oh thanks for the generous helping … jezze
- Tom: These must be models portions here …
- Mike: We bring you now to market
- Mike: That’s an urban myth!
- Tom: Heavens I’m so fat! I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight!
- Crow: The chicken shortage of 1937
- While Google AI enthusiastically states there was a chicken shortage in 1937, I can’t find any hard evidence.
- Tom: You could carry it in your wallet.
- Mike: There concerts at the gazebo.
- Mike: Alright come on sing – row row row – you’re not singing!
- Crow: The dressing plant? Sound like fun! Tom: I want a new hat!
- Crow: *Snoring sounds* Tom: Buddy … wake up!
- Mike: Did America really need to be sold on the automotive industry at this point?
- Tom: Betty, must you sit in dinner?
- Tom: Fellow poultry men our cherished freedoms are threatened from all sides!
- Crow: I don’t think I got what it takes to be the chicken on tomorrow.
- Mike: If you’re nice we’ll hook you up to the milking machine.
- Mike: Some eggs are sent to solitary.
- Mike: It’s nice. You know it’s small but the walls are neutral
- Tom: Oh hi Cindy! I’m so glad I’m in your group. This is going to be fun!
- Crow: Why am I watching this?
- Crow: The Bill Clinton Story!
- In case you forgot, Bill Clinton was a president. He had some high points, but also some low points.
- Tom: The Chicken of Tomorrow in a deadly battle against the Chicken of Today!
- Crow: CHICKENS!
- Tom: No it isn’t.
- Really, it isn’t.
- Crow: Individual counseling is provided.
- Corw: Woo Hoo! We’re going on a trip! Hey, where are we going?
- Mike: I think the fella in white really likes us Susan.
- Mike: Or migrant workers.
- How many chickens can fit in a coop?
- All: Rodents? AAAAAHHHHH!
- Mike: I’m in the incubator now.
- Mike: A collections ciders and spring water should be kept on hand.
- Crow: Normandy!
- Crow: How dry I am? *hickup*
- Mike: Or chickens typically.
- It can hold thousands of guest!
- Tom: Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the parameter.
- Crow: Make sure to put them all in one basket.
- Tom: Hey pal – feed me then clean up my poops!
- Crow: Dad went a little nuts this Easter.
- Mike: They’re all wearing Rembrandt Hats.
- Tom: Broadway!
- Where everyone is going after incubation.
- Mike: Uh … dad … if you could carve a little faster … I’m kinda hungry …
- Mike: Cigarette butts, hair, beer cans …
- Tom: Such as here at Sotherby’s.
- Crow: Which seems excessively anal retentive.
- Mike: Even to the Texaco Station!
- This joke is kinda stupid, but I like the voice Mike makes for it.
- Tom: You think I can wear these pants out tonight?
- Tom: You know this kinda music helps chickens breed. It’s kinda the Luther Vandross of chicken music.
- Luther Vandross was a pretty cool soul and R&B singer back in the day.
- Crow: This could be your drumstick, this is the number to call.
- Mike: Oh this is going to be hot hot hot.
- Tom: Alternatively they may bring their eggs early the day of the auction.
- Tom: Yeah for pervs.
- The only appropriate place for a “Chick Inspector” t-shirt.
- All: AAAH! Tom: Jezze!
- Suddenly it’s Carnival of Souls here! (I’m pretty sure that line is from another MST3k, but I can’t remember which one …)
- Tom: eh … they mingle … get to know each other.
- Tom and Crow: *Chicken Noises*
- A great way to end this movie!
- Mike: How many are you sitting on?
- Crow: I said speed is essential!
- Crow: Except for the sports section!
- Crow: Dedicated to the chickens that lost their life in the Great Chicken War.
- Tom: And if they’ve completed their lessons.
- Tom: There it is, wait … no … There!
- Where’s Waldo?
- Mike: The chickens are dining in front of a Susan Rothstein mural.
- Who is Susan Rothstein?? Can’t find a painter by that name.
- Mike: Rooms by the hour!
- Tom: Chickens are shipped to the set of Oklahoma.
- Crow: There’s your appetizers, I’ll be back to get your drink orders ladies.
- Tom: Put your hand up Mike: *Put’s hand up*
- Mike: Come on that tickles!
- Tom: That’s one bloodshot eye.
- Tom: Thank you young man!
- Narrator: Good Chicks come Good Eggs. I love the granny voice Tom does for this line.
- Mike: Can I go to the bathroom? Tom: No, stay in there! Mike: Oh can I go home? Tom: No the door’s locked.
- Crow: Hey, clean your fingers!
- Tom: And one bathroom for all of them.
- Mike: For a few weeks only to be eaten.
- Crow: Oh wait, that’s my Silly Putty.
- Crow: Come on down and eat everybody!
- Mike: Design by Frank Loyd Wright.
- I don’t know … they don’t look complicated and impractical enough.
- Tom: Hey! Why are we screeching?
- Crow: Open your hymnals to number 325 …
- Tom: These are headed for the driving range.
- Tom: Hey hey hey, Fat Albert!
- Fat Albert was a cartoon character from the 80’s.
- Mike: You’re adorable!
- Thank you, young man!
- Tom: To be killed … to be killed … to be killed.
- Crow: By removing meal worms.
- How can you improve chicken?
- Crow: Hey, I’m trying to sleep in here!
- Mike: Say, can I have a bigger egg?
- Crow: What did I do last night?
- Crow: Woah! Milton Berle there!
- Apparently Milton had a big dick.
- Crow: eww … I got a tiny headache.
- Tom: The one with the rats.
- All: What?
- Tom: Yeah go have a little fun.
- Mike: Unless filthy Fred there collects them.
- Crow: Pullets!
- Tom: Right … you push it out. Geesh … this is hard …
- Crow: Great … what are those?
- Crow: Does this taste funny to you?
- Tom: Yeah I’m cool baby!
- Mike: Yeah right. Backwards-Jackass Company.
- Hey! I resemble that remark!
- Tom: Ah … he’s drunk!
- Mike: Then they turn on each other.
- Mike: Oh … I’l be out in a … minute…
- Mike: If you kinda squint.
- Tom: Oh, it’s true!
- 100 degree eggs!
- Crow: And you know what that means!
- Mike: Like wagons!
- Tom: Uh … that ones clean …
- Crow: Get in there!
- Tom: Help me.
- Crow: Go … Go …
- Crow: And this fellow!
- Tom: It’s Ross Perot!
- In case you don’t remember, Ross Perot was a presidential candidate.
- Tom: You bet!
- Tom: I’m full!
- Crow: Here I come!
- Tom: *giberish*
Honorable Mentions
There’s one point in the short where the narrator claims that egg laying should be easy. The film cuts to a chicken in a nest with a voice-over done in the style of a 50’s movie femme fatale: That’s what you think big boy! Mike and the bots are shocked and wowed by this, with – I think – Tom commenting “That was weird!”