Tag: rankings

For a while now, I’ve been wanting to do something where I rank random things, like every joke in Airplane!: The Movie, or the quality of ice teas at Buc-ees throughout the state. Originally I had hoped to create a WordPress plug-in to help manage the list, but … well … I’m lazy.

But as they say, we shouldn’t let perfection be the enemy of good, and I decided to just rank something to see if I could.

And so I now present to you: A ranking of every riff from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Short The Chicken of Tomorrow. This was a pretty easy one to do since the short wasn’t every long, but the DVD I have of it doesn’t have close captioning, which made the transcribing a little tedious. I’ve added notes about some of the jokes in the list. And if you find your favorite riff low in the list … well … even the bad riffs are still pretty good in this one.

And now THE (ranking of the) CHICKEN OF TOMORROW ….

1. Mike: Eggs are complicated. They should cost $100 each!
   • This is possibly one of favorite MST3k lines. I’ll occasionally say “X is complicated. It should cost $100 each!
2. Tom: Some eggs don’t even exist.
   • This is another line that I will randomly say.
3. Crow: There’s no driver … The chickens are taking over!
   • The perfect way to end the short!
4. Crow: Oh you can’t wait for things to happen, you’ve got to make them happen!
5. Crow: Yes it’s chicken! Glorious American chicken sliced the American way!
6. Crow: Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron
7. Tom: But aren’t chickens with good self-esteem equally important?
8. Tom: Mork calling Orson
   • This is a reference to the TV show Mork and Mindy starring Robin Williams as Mork from Ork. The Orks used egg-shaped spaceships that you had to break out of like a chicken breaking out of an egg. Mork would telepathically contact his boss by repeating the mantra: “Mork calling Orson, come in Orson.”
9. Tom: Aren’t there suppose to be pantyhose in there?
   • A reference to the old L’eggs Pantyhose that were a thing in the 80’s.
10. Tom: The unholy alliance between big oil and big chickens.
11. Mike: Stop throwing them at my car!
    • Narrator: Here’s a few facts about eggs …
12. Mike: I’ll have an egg tomorrow, I swear!
13. Crow: GRADING!
14. Tom: Or put a warning slip on her desk.
15. Tom: Eat and Grow forever!
16. Crow: Oh yea, who hasn’t?
    • Narrator: Have you ever noticed the old hen turning her eggs over in her nest?
17. Crow: She’s worth millions.
18. Mike: Miss Moss, and for you Miss Taylor.
    • This is definitely a reference to model Kate Moss and her incredible thinness. I think they are also referencing Elizabeth Taylor, though I think she’d probably want a drumstick.
19. Mike: Time to Die …
    • Reference to the famous line from Blade Runner.
20. Mike: 40 piece chicken nuggets to go!
    • Does McDonald’s even do 40 piece McNuggets anymore?
21. Tom: Hey guys! It’s God!
22. Mike: She will live.
    • Apparently Eggs / Feed determines life or death.
23. Mike: Ride the Wild Mouse!
    • I always say this line when I open the Wild Mouse Ride in Parkitech.
24. Mike: I’d like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more the Man of Today?
25. Mike: Wait a minute: Men and women breeding better poultry? What kinda sick experiment is going on here?
26. Crow: Oh pardon me.
    • This line isn’t that funny, but I love the voice Crow does for it.
27. Tom: OOOOOOOOOOO!
28. Crow: I’ve seen the episode where the eggs come to fast and she starts putting them in her mouth.
    • This is a reference to the Chocolate Factory Scene from I Love Lucy.
29. Mike: I hate it when people tape their own deliveries.
30. Mike: It’s Goofus and Gallant.
    • Goofus and Gallant were a comic from Highlights
31. Mike: Life is grand! It stretches out in front of me like an eternity!
32. Crow: Garage sale … Goodwill … save for the kids …
33. Mike: That guys is escaping disgusted as a chicken!
34. *Crow miming eating chicks*
    • I’ve seen this short at least a billion times, but this is the first time I noticed Crow miming eating the chicks on screen. Hilarious.
35. Tom: Yeah, they own everything.
    • Narrator: You know how chickens are …
36. Tom: Joey the Cockstone Tortellie, Ricky the Davantello, Jimmy Crazy Cock Cochinee (probably not transcribed right)
    • Honestly, this joke should be higher on the ranking, but I think I was a little bitter having to listen to the same section a billion times over to get the names and the DVD not having Closed Captioning.
37. Tom: Everybody, Soylent Green is made from Chickens!
    • This is a reference to the last scene in the movie Soylent Green. Futurama has made several hilarious references to Soylent Green as well.
38. Mike: There’s no point – it’s just funny!
39. Crow: These are your chickens on drugs.
    • This is, of course, making fun of the 80’s PSA. Who knew eggs were a gateway drug?
40. Mike: So put your mouth under a chicken.
41. Crow: Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.
42. Mike: So you can see why egg farming is so fascinating.
43. Mike: Full of Salmonella Tom: *Smacking noises*
    • Salmonella is an infection that you can get from some animals and pets.
44. Mike: These chickens were smoking in bed.
    • Apparently smoking cigarettes in bed used to be really common. Sounds kind of disgusting to me.
45. Crow: May I have a piece of my own white meat please?
46. Tom: Oh thanks for the generous helping … jezze
47. Tom: These must be models portions here …
48. Mike: We bring you now to market
49. Mike: That’s an urban myth!
50. Tom: Heavens I’m so fat! I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight!
51. Crow: The chicken shortage of 1937
    • While Google AI enthusiastically states there was a chicken shortage in 1937, I can’t find any hard evidence.
52. Tom: You could carry it in your wallet.
53. Mike: There concerts at the gazebo.
54. Mike: Alright come on sing – row row row – you’re not singing!
55. Crow: The dressing plant? Sound like fun! Tom: I want a new hat!
56. Crow: *Snoring sounds* Tom: Buddy … wake up!
57. Mike: Did America really need to be sold on the automotive industry at this point?
58. Tom: Betty, must you sit in dinner?
59. Tom: Fellow poultry men our cherished freedoms are threatened from all sides!
60. Crow: I don’t think I got what it takes to be the chicken on tomorrow.
61. Mike: If you’re nice we’ll hook you up to the milking machine.
62. Mike: Some eggs are sent to solitary.
63. Mike: It’s nice. You know it’s small but the walls are neutral
64. Tom: Oh hi Cindy! I’m so glad I’m in your group. This is going to be fun!
65. Crow: Why am I watching this?
    • Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down …
66. Crow: The Bill Clinton Story!
    • In case you forgot, Bill Clinton was a president. He had some high points, but also some low points.
67. Tom: The Chicken of Tomorrow in a deadly battle against the Chicken of Today!
68. Crow: CHICKENS!
69. Tom: No it isn’t.
    • Really, it isn’t.
70. Crow: Individual counseling is provided.
71. Corw: Woo Hoo! We’re going on a trip! Hey, where are we going?
72. Mike: I think the fella in white really likes us Susan.
73. Mike: Or migrant workers.
    • How many chickens can fit in a coop?
74. All: Rodents? AAAAAHHHHH!
75. Mike: I’m in the incubator now.
76. Mike: A collections ciders and spring water should be kept on hand.
77. Crow: Normandy!
78. Crow: How dry I am? *hickup*
79. Mike: Or chickens typically.
    • It can hold thousands of guest!
80. Tom: Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the parameter.
81. Crow: Make sure to put them all in one basket.
82. Tom: Hey pal – feed me then clean up my poops!
83. Crow: Dad went a little nuts this Easter.
84. Mike: They’re all wearing Rembrandt Hats.
85. Tom: Broadway!
    • Where everyone is going after incubation.
86. Mike: Uh … dad … if you could carve a little faster … I’m kinda hungry …
87. Mike: Cigarette butts, hair, beer cans …
88. Tom: Such as here at Sotherby’s.
89. Crow: Which seems excessively anal retentive.
90. Mike: Even to the Texaco Station!
    • This joke is kinda stupid, but I like the voice Mike makes for it.
91. Tom: You think I can wear these pants out tonight?
92. Tom: You know this kinda music helps chickens breed. It’s kinda the Luther Vandross of chicken music.
    • Luther Vandross was a pretty cool soul and R&B singer back in the day.
93. Crow: This could be your drumstick, this is the number to call.
94. Mike: Oh this is going to be hot hot hot.
95. Tom: Alternatively they may bring their eggs early the day of the auction.
96. Tom: Yeah for pervs.
    • The only appropriate place for a “Chick Inspector” t-shirt.
97. All: AAAH! Tom: Jezze!
    • Suddenly it’s Carnival of Souls here! (I’m pretty sure that line is from another MST3k, but I can’t remember which one …)
98. Tom: eh … they mingle … get to know each other.
99. Tom and Crow: *Chicken Noises*
    • A great way to end this movie!
100. Mike: How many are you sitting on?
101. Crow: I said speed is essential!
102. Crow: Except for the sports section!
103. Crow: Dedicated to the chickens that lost their life in the Great Chicken War.
104. Tom: And if they’ve completed their lessons.
105. Tom: There it is, wait … no … There!
     • Where’s Waldo?
106. Mike: The chickens are dining in front of a Susan Rothstein mural.
     • Who is Susan Rothstein?? Can’t find a painter by that name.
107. Mike: Rooms by the hour!
108. Tom: Chickens are shipped to the set of Oklahoma.
109. Crow: There’s your appetizers, I’ll be back to get your drink orders ladies.
110. Tom: Put your hand up Mike: *Put’s hand up*
111. Mike: Come on that tickles!
112. Tom: That’s one bloodshot eye.
113. Tom: Thank you young man!
     • Narrator: Good Chicks come Good Eggs. I love the granny voice Tom does for this line.
114. Mike: Can I go to the bathroom? Tom: No, stay in there! Mike: Oh can I go home? Tom: No the door’s locked.
115. Crow: Hey, clean your fingers!
116. Tom: And one bathroom for all of them.
117. Mike: For a few weeks only to be eaten.
118. Crow: Oh wait, that’s my Silly Putty.
119. Crow: Come on down and eat everybody!
120. Mike: Design by Frank Loyd Wright.
     • I don’t know … they don’t look complicated and impractical enough.
121. Tom: Hey! Why are we screeching?
122. Crow: Open your hymnals to number 325 …
123. Tom: These are headed for the driving range.
124. Tom: Hey hey hey, Fat Albert!
     • Fat Albert was a cartoon character from the 80’s.
125. Mike: You’re adorable!
     • Thank you, young man!
126. Tom: To be killed … to be killed … to be killed.
127. Crow: By removing meal worms.
     • How can you improve chicken?
128. Crow: Hey, I’m trying to sleep in here!
129. Mike: Say, can I have a bigger egg?
130. Crow: What did I do last night?
131. Crow: Woah! Milton Berle there!
     • Apparently Milton had a big dick.
132. Crow: eww … I got a tiny headache.
133. Tom: The one with the rats.
134. All: What?
135. Tom: Yeah go have a little fun.
136. Mike: Unless filthy Fred there collects them.
137. Crow: Pullets!
138. Tom: Right … you push it out. Geesh … this is hard …
139. Crow: Great … what are those?
140. Crow: Does this taste funny to you?
141. Tom: Yeah I’m cool baby!
142. Mike: Yeah right. Backwards-Jackass Company.
     • Hey! I resemble that remark!
143. Tom: Ah … he’s drunk!
144. Mike: Then they turn on each other.
145. Mike: Oh … I’l be out in a … minute…
146. Mike: If you kinda squint.
147. Tom: Oh, it’s true!
     • 100 degree eggs!
148. Crow: And you know what that means!
149. Mike: Like wagons!
150. Tom: Uh … that ones clean …
151. Crow: Get in there!
152. Tom: Help me.
153. Crow: Go … Go …
154. Crow: And this fellow!
155. Tom: It’s Ross Perot!
     • In case you don’t remember, Ross Perot was a presidential candidate.
156. Tom: You bet!
157. Tom: I’m full!
158. Crow: Here I come!
159. Tom: *giberish*

Honorable Mentions

There’s one point in the short where the narrator claims that egg laying should be easy. The film cuts to a chicken in a nest with a voice-over done in the style of a 50’s movie femme fatale: That’s what you think big boy! Mike and the bots are shocked and wowed by this, with – I think – Tom commenting “That was weird!”