Tag: rankings

Ranking Every Jason Momoa Movie

I think I maybe going through a bit of a Jason Momoa phase. Well, you know what they say: starve a cough, feed a fetish. Also – I need a break from the big box of DVDs. And so I present to you: My Ranking of Every Movie that Jason Momoa has been in.

I’ll be using Jason’s filmography from his Wikipedia page. I’m going to be using every movie … even if it’s the itsy-ist of bit part. Sadly, I will be excluding TV shows, so no Stargate Atlantis or See. But if I had included them … this list would have been massive.

Some of these movies are really niche so may be hard – if not impossible – to find.

Much like Wikipedia’s List of Cheeses, this is a dynamic list and may never be able to satisfy particular standards for completeness. Check back often for updates!

The Rankings

These movies have watched and ranked. The best is at the top – Number 1. The lower on the list / the higher the number, the worst the movie.

  1. Aquaman (2018)
    • Role: Arthur Curry / Aquaman (star)
    • Plot: Turns out Arthur is royalty! And has to standup to his evil stepbrother to save the land dwellers. Also: Black Manta?
    • Is It Any Good?: This was my first venture into the DC Cinematic Universe. I really wasn’t expecting a lot, but it was kinda fun. The CGI was really good. I especially liked the Atlantis escape scene where they’re flying (swimming? boating? subbing?) through all the city traffic. The movie still has that problem where it can’t decided if it’s for kids or adults, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it is in the Marvel Universe.
    • I forgot that Willem Dafoe was in this movie!
    • The one thing that I absolutely hate about this movie is the weird remix of Toto’s Africa. They should have just played the original.
    • I can’t help but compare Jason’s Aquaman to Chris’ Thor. The acting is fine for both, but character-wise, I prefer Jason’s Aquaman. Both have that “I don’t want to be king” vibe about them, but I think Aquaman’s story is more relatable? Or human? Thor just seems to be a rich-bro who just wants to goof-off.
    • Is Jason Any Good?: Jason gives a solid performance here. What else can I say about him? He makes a good reluctant superhero!
  2. Braven (2018)
    • Role: Joe Braven (star)
    • Other Credits: Producer
    • Plot: Guy takes dad to cabin to talk elderly care. Daughter stows along. Employee has hidden drugs at the cabin. Bad guys show up to get them back.
    • Is It Any Good?: I mean … it’s ok. Definitely better than Icebreakers. The fight scenes are pretty cool. I think the main problem that these type of movies have is giving the bad guys enough of a motive. Like … I’m no coke-ologist, but it seems like that much isn’t enough to start a war over. And if it was, why would you put wiry Hallett in charge of it to begin with? The head evil guy reminded me a lot of Bruce Campbell in Icebreakers. I do like the first half of the movie where the family was trying to deal with a parent that appears to be suffering from some sort of generic head trauma, but I didn’t like just killing him off near the end.
    • Was Jason Good?: I think so. He played a convincing father and son trying to deal with his fathers dementia. I really like his fight scenes.

To Be Watched

The are the movies that haven’t watched yet in no particular order. The ones in bold I’ve ordered and have on the way.

Johnson Family Vacation – 2004 – Navarro

Pipeline – 2007 – Kail

Brown Bag Diaries: Ridin’ the Blinds in B Minor – 2010 – Mikey

Conan the Barbarian – 2011 – Coanan the Barbarian

Bullet to the Head – 2012 – Keegan

Road to Paloma – 2014 – Robert Wolf

Debug – 2014 – I Am

Wolves – 2014 – Connor Slaughter

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – 2016 – Arthur Curry / Aquaman

Sugar Mountain – 2016 – Joe Bright

Once Upon a Time Venice – 2017 – Spider

The Bad Batch – 2017 – Miami Man

Justice League – 2017 – Arthur Curry / Aquaman

The Lego Move 2: The Second Part – 2019 – Arthur Curry / Aquaman

Gather – 2020 – Self

Zack Snyder’s Justice League – 2021 – Arthur Curry / Aquaman

Sweet Girl – 2021 – Ray Cooper

Dune – 2021 – Duncan Idaho

Slumberland – 2022 – Flip

The Last Manhunt – 2022 – Big Jim

Fast X – 2023 – Dante Reyes

The Flash – 2023 – Arthur Curry / Aquaman

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom – 2023 – Arthur Curry / Aquaman

The Fall Guy – 2024 – Self

A Minecraft Movie – 2025 – Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison

Animal Friends – Not Yet Released

Supergirl – Not Yet Released – Lobo

Dune: Part Three – Not Yet Released – Duncan Idaho

In the Hand of Dante – Not Yet Released

The Wrecking Crew – Not Yet Released

 

Ranking the Ronin Warriors / Samurai Troopers

Ronin Warriors was this anime that was on in Japan in the late 80’s / early 90’s and in the late 90’s here in the states. I loved it’s aggressively 80’s anime style. And so now, let’s rank the Ronin Warriors!

5. Sage

It's Sage from the Ronin Warriors. He's got a big bunch of blond hair, some of which is covering one eye. This shot is tight on his face, but we can see a bit of the green from his armor around his neck.
Sage from the Ronin Warriors

I don’t know what to say about Sage. I don’t particularly like his armor and I really don’t know much about him as a character. Also he looks a bit like an ex.

4. Cye

It's Cye from the Ronin Warriors! He's in casual wear right now ... which for him is a nice button down shirt with a jacket that looks a bit like something a professor would wear.
Cye from Ronin Warriors

I like Cye’s Armor of the Torrent with the water theme and trident weapon, but I don’t quite like Cye as a character. There’s one part in Gaiden where he’s criticizing Kento on his clothing, but dude is wearing plaid pants! What an ass.

Cye and Kento from Ronin Warriors both in casual gear. Kento is wearing overalls with a white shirt, and Cye is wearing a jacket that looks like something a college professor would wear with plaid pants.
You’re really going to make fun of Kento while you’re wearing plaid pants?

I’m watching Legend of the Inferno Armor right now, and Cye is being whiny right now. I’m sure he’ll be alright past episode 3, but still.

3. Rowen

Rowen from the Ronin Warriors. We're tight on his face. He's got blue hair and a white/orange/grey cap that he's wearing backwards.
Aggressively 80’s

Honestly: in the earlier series I used to get Rowen and Cye mixed up. But I think as the series progressed, Rowen really became a character on his own. Armor-wise, I love the Strata armor with it’s cool bow. Rowen as a character seems to have a pretty good style … sometimes a bit aggressively 80’s anime.

2. Ryo

Ryo from the Ronin Warriors. He's wearing a white tee with a random logo on it over a purple long-sleeve shirt.
Nice shirt. It’d be unfortunate if something happened to it.

On the one hand, Ryo is kinda your typical anime hero from the 80’s – rides the motorcycle and all. But I think looking back on the series now, that kinda makes him cooler. Like: it’s this snapshot of the anime style at that time.

I don’t think we get as much of a backstory with Ryo as we do with Kento. I do like that Ryo is quick to temper like Kento and that both Ryo and Kento are both usually butting heads.

1. Kento

It's Kento from the Ronin Warriors! He's in casual gear, with green - probably plastic - sun shades and a smile.
Sup’ Dude!

I love Kento! There is a bigness to him – both physically and emotionally. I love his unpredictability and his just raw emotion. Such a goof. I feel like through the series Kento probably grew the most of the warriors. Maybe that’s just me projecting? Kento is probably the strongest of the warriors outside of Ryo in the Inferno Armor. I love that his armor has an asymmetricalness to it, with one horn bigger than the other. Also: this guy loves to eat!

Honorable Mention: Anubis

I always likes Anubis’ style after he started working for the Ancient One. He had the cool staff with the rings. Still managed to be a jackass, but was like a cool jackass.

Honorable Mention: OG Mia

The very first episode of the American Dub of Ronin Warriors, the voice actress played Mia just a little more gruff than she wound up being. Like: this lady isn’t going to take any of your shit. I kinda understand softening it … Ronin Warriors got targeted as a kids show. But I miss gruff Mia and I wonder how gruff Mia is in the original Japanese.

And some more random photos …

Kento and Cye surfing! Kento is in a pink and blue muscle shirt thing with green trunks and Cye is in a full wet suite.
Hang Ten Dude!
In the background are ladies lounging at the beach. In the foreground is a can of beer that looks like a Budweiser, but is labeled Dudweiser.
What a dud.
Kento in his full armor suite. The suit is the a burnt orange color.
Kento in his armor.
The camera is pointed to towards the sun as Kento flies over on his surfboard. There's enough lensflare that this might be J.J. Abrams doing.
DUUUUUUUUDE!
Closeup on Kento as he winks.
Wink.
Ryo sits in an airplane seat with his arms behind his head. Kento his hanging over the chair next to him from behind with his shades hanging on his nose.
What a drag.
Kento, Ryo, and Cye walk down a New York street.
A night on the town!
Rowen with his blue hair looking towards camera. He's got something slung over his shoulder.
You got to have at least one person with blue hair for it to be an anime, right?
Ully, Rowen, and Mia standing at a reporters desk.
It’s a good thing you just summarized what that guy said off-camera so we didn’t have to hire another voice actor to say it.
Ully and Rowen walking down what looks like a country road.
Is this a Ully?
Closeup on Ryo
Looking determined.

Ranking that Big Box of DVDs and Blu-rays that Phil and Val Gave Me

My friends Val and Phil are trying to clean out their garage to make from for … their car? Who actually parks their car in a garage? Weird.

Amongst their boxes of anime figures and workout equipment, was their giant box of DVDs and Blu-rays. They don’t really watch DVDs anymore with all the streaming and such.

They kept a few DVDs from some of their favorite shows and movies, but gave the rest to me. Huzzah!

So now, I present to you: A RANKING OF PHIL AND VAL’S BIG BOX OF DVDs & BLU-RAYs!

(This is going to take a while to complete. Check back for updates.)

  1. Dogma
    • I never got into the View Askewniverse very much, but I do remember watching Dogma when it first came out way back when. I found it just as funny this time around as I did on the first watch. Sex and platypuses really are proof that God has a sense of humor. Well … and Quantum Mechanics.
  2. Monty Python and The Holy Grail
    • This is peak Monty Python. So many good parts to this this. I love the ending where the police investigating the murder of the documentary host earlier in the film shut the movie down.
    • I have the MP3’s of The Album Of The Soundtrack Of The Film Of Monty Python And The Holy Grail. Hearing the Constitutional Peasant randomly come up in my car stereo’s playlist is the best.
  3.  Spaceballs
    • Besides being hilarious, Spaceballs holds a special place in my heart because is was the first VHS cassette tape played in my house when I was a kid. Favorite scene: when President Screw opens up the can of Perri-Air. Also: “KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!”
  4. Blazing Saddles
    • People always say: “You could never make Blazing Saddles today,” and I kinda have to agree with them. But it’s not because they drop the N-Bomb or any of the jokes. At its core, Blazing Saddles is a silly movie. At one point, the villain Hedley Lamarr leaves the set, takes a taxi to Mann’s Chinese Theater, and starts watching another movie. Pretty silly. Do not get me wrong: there is nothing wrong with silly. There are some great silly movies. But … I just don’t think people want silly anymore. Everything has to be serious and explosions and alpha-manly and shit. B-O-R-I-N-G. I’ll take a silly Mel Brooks movie over that stuff any day.
  5. Road House (1989)
    • I really wasn’t expecting much from this movie but wow what a good movie! Even though having the hero live right across the river from Bob Jackass was a little hokey. Well … I guess the whole thing is a little hokey … the wandering philosopher warrior with a haunted past rolls into town and “Heather My Love, There’s A New Sheriff In Town’s” the place. I think the thing that makes this work is the casting. Patrick, Kelly and Sam are all great, but the supporting cast really make the movie.
    • The fight scenes are great! (Throat Punch!)
    • I may have cried a little when Wade died. A real “Et tu, Brute?” ending there.
    • Also: “A bear fell on me.” Sounds like my last date.
    • Damn: Sam Elliott as Wade is fucking hot!
    • The only thing I knew about this movie up to this point was what was in MST3k’s Patrick Swayze Christmas. I was half expecting Road House to be a surprise Christmas movie, but it is not.
  6. American Psycho
    • Up until this point, the most I knew about this movie was that one clip featuring Hip to be Square. I think I would compare this movie to something like Vampire’s Kiss … except good. I think a lot of what really works is Christian Bale’s performance. Despite the giant, brick sized cell phones, I kept forgetting that this movie was set in late 80’s. Is that weird? Also: Totally using “I got to return some videotapes” as my exiting line from now on.
    • This would have gotten a higher ranking, but I hate stuff were you get to the end and they “j/k lol” their way out of it.
  7. TRON (1982)
    • I have a soft-spot for this movie. I loved it so much as a kid. As an adult, despite the paper-thin plot, I still adore the now hokey effects and cheese 80’s graphics.
  8. Space Jam (1996)
    • I’d somehow made it through 10 years of the 90’s without seeing this movie.
    • Whoa whoa whoa: nobody told me Dan Aykroyd was in this movie!
    • 5 minutes in and I finally get a random Homestuck joke.
    • There was a back-to-back Mighty Ducks/Disney Slam and a Richard Simmons’ video and I ADORE THIS MOVIE.
    • The effects are bad and the plot is paper thin, but at the same time I can totally see how kids who saw this movie in the 90’s love it in the same way I love the original TRON. It really capture this magical moment in basketball and pop culture. I also feel like this was probably the last of the great romps for the Loony Toons before Warner Bros. animation just really went to shit.
    • This DVD has like 30 minutes of copyright notices at the end in every damn language.
  9. Prometheus
    • David is basically Hal on two legs
    • Prometheus was a bit heavy handed with its religiousness.
    • Ugh. Spare me the Blare Witch-o-Vision.
    • This was a good movie … but not a great movie like Alien. It feels kinda … bloated. Like: the difference between a collection and a hoard.
    • I can’t help but compare Prometheus to Episode 1 of Star Wars. The brilliance of the original Star Wars Episode 4 and Alien is that you are dropped into a story … you skip all the boring stuff. I think Prometheus, like Stars Wars 1-3, has trouble connecting the dots to the original. And also … you already know the big reveals, so all their new big reveals just kinda feel flat.
  10. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
    • From what I understand, the most unbelievable thing about this movie is them being able to find a parking space in London for their giant cart.
    • All through this movie I kept thinking: This movie is trying HARD to be Time Bandits. Get to the end, roll the credit, and the first one: DIRECTED BY TERRY GILLIAM. Well there you go. Go back to the box and there it is right on the front. HOW DID I MISS THAT?
    • Generally, this movie is ok. It feels like it’s reaching for something, and it just can’t quite reach it. Some of the “right” and “wrong” choices don’t seem to make sense. Also: the movie does do a bit of a JK/LOL which I REALLY HATE. But it does progress a little bit. So not too bad I guess.
    • Some of the effects had a very Space Jam-y feel to them.
    • You put a dwarf in blackface: minus 20 points.
  11. Shaun of the Dead
    • I think I’d rank this higher, but we’re kinda at maximum zombie right now. Super Serious Zombie. Which is probably why we probably need Shaun of the Dead more than ever. Still … I just wasn’t feeling that same joy I did when I first watched this movie. I’m blaming Big Zombie for over-saturating the current market.
    • Every time I saw a cell phone, I was like: Were they ever that small?
  12. Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life
    • This is another one of those movies that I’ve seen bits of, but never the whole thing. Monty Python has always been hit or miss, and this one feels a bit of a miss. The sketches are good, but it just feels like a slog to get through them all.
  13. He-Man and The Masters of The Universe – Battle for Eternia
    • This is a 10 episode collection from the 2002 reboot. I almost gave up on it after the first episode – Turnabout – which is basically The Tickle Belt episode from Spongebob Squarepants. But I persevered. It’s ok. Good not great. It returns to the formula of the original. Even has a “moral of the story” at the end.
    • In the same way that the original documented – for better or worse – the animation style of that time, this iteration manages to capture that kinda weird, early ‘oughts style of animation.
    • I want to do a research project where I document the change in the ratio of chest to waste size of He-Man through the various reboots and examine how it relates to male body dysphoria.
  14. Mortal Kombat (1995)
    • I was never a fan of the video game, but I did like the movie as a teen. But watching it now … it does drag. And some of the effects did not hold up very well either.
    • Robin Shou is still hot though.
    • I’ll give this movie bonus point for the rocking soundtrack. You’re never getting your CD back Matt.
    • Still not the worst Video Game to Movie adaptation ever.
  15. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
    • Jason Segel plays a man-child who is dumped by is girlfriend for a British rocker. To get over her, Jason goes to a resort in Hawaii, where his ex and her boy happen to be too. Hilarity ensues. The ex doesn’t realize what she’s missing until Jason finds a new girl. More hilarity ensues.
    • The competing sex scene is actually kinda funny.
    • Russell Brand plays a very convincing jackass.
    • “A Taste for Love?” Well, that should have been the movie right there!
  16. The Venture Bros. Season 3
    • I really loved Venture Bros. when it first came on. Season 1 and 2 were pretty cool, and the Season 4 final was super cool. But Season 3. Ooof. This was a horrible season. Oh well. Can’t win them all.
  17. Howard the Duck
    • When I was a kid, I loved this movie, but watching it this round … I fell asleep during the ending. Maybe 7 year-old were the target audience?
    • I always love movies where “generic evil punks” have absurdly complicated hair-dos.
  18. Superman / Shazam! The Return of Black Adam
    • This was a weird animated origin story for Shazam that just doesn’t work. Plus 3 other lack-luster animated DC properties.
    • “The arrow’s green, go!” – not an actual joke, but an incredible simulation #MST3k
  19. TRON Legacy
    • Oh my god. This movie is PAINFUL. It’s basically every tech-bros’ wet dream. In the first 5 minutes, the lead is weaving through traffic on a motorcycle and I hate him. You know a movie is going to be bad when you’re actively rooting against the lead. There’s a Dollar General David Bowie. Daft Punk does not help this movie. Maybe I’ve just heard them too much? I really don’t like the effects in this movie. They just seem kinda average. But maybe it’s because I’m watching it on a TV and this was meant for IMAX? All that said: I do like the break into cubes effect that they do when a program gets derezzed.
    • I think this movie has the opposite problem of the original: it has too much plot. And just turns into a dialog dumping ground.
  20. The Evil Dead
    • Just because something is a classic doesn’t make it good.
    • A lady is basically raped by a tree. Too much.
  21. The A-Team (2010)
    • The first 5 – 10 minutes, the team members are introduce. Nab a helicopter make it across the border, the bad guys are caught, and roll the credits, great work everyone! But no: it keeps going. And going.
    • Quinton Ramone Jackson is a fine actor … but come on guys, you can’t replace Mr. T.
  22. RocknRolla
    • I think this is just a knock-off brit gangsta movie?
    • The disc didn’t have a menu. Weird.
  23. Your Highness
    • It has a plot, albeit a forgettable one. It’s mostly just a series of lazy, Junior High gay jokes.
    • Strangely, the effects are pretty good.
  24.  Macgruber
    • The best part of this movie is seeing Will Forte get splatted with like a gallon of fake blood.
  25. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
    • I really wanted to like this movie. I gave it more of a chance that I should of. But most of the time I was just doom-scrolling on Mastodon.
    • They try to be funny in that weird “pause for laughter” way that Marvel has been doing lately. It hurts.
  26. Justice League – DOOM (2012)
    • I think this is supposed to be a reboot of the old Legion of Doom.
    • They need to get Frank Lloyd Wright in to do the architecture on the Legion hall … it just doesn’t match the original.
    • Perfect opportunity to finally give Brainiac pants, missed.
    • Hey Midnight Crew: This is how you do a card-themed gang!
  27. Superman vs The Elite
    • Something something headaches something revenge on society something something trans-dimensional moth thing.
    • Wait … was the TDM actually Silkie from Teen Titans?
    • They animated in this weird style that made Superman look a bit like Stan Smith from American Dad.
  28. The Crazies (2010)
    • Save yourself an hour of your life and just read the Wikipedia page.
    • I probably would have given this one more of a chance, but I’m just not in a virus-y mood right now.
    • If the plot feels kinda worn, that’s because it is! It’s a remake of a 1973 movie! Also: It reminds me a lot of the 1987 movie The Curse.
    • Joe Anderson as Russell is cute with the goatee thing. Maybe I should do a goatee? Nah.
  29. Batman – Under the Red Hood
    • You made an unfunny Deadpool.
    • The real Joker wouldn’t reuse a line.
    • I really hate the new “serious” joker.
  30. Gamer (2009)
    • This movie is tedious. I watched it years ago on cable. The premise isn’t that interesting. Maybe it’s supposed to be a metaphor or something? I don’t know.

Ranking Every Riff in MST3k’s Chicken of Tomorrow

For a while now, I’ve been wanting to do something where I rank random things, like every joke in Airplane!: The Movie, or the quality of ice teas at Buc-ees throughout the state. Originally I had hoped to create a WordPress plug-in to help manage the list, but … well … I’m lazy.

But as they say, we shouldn’t let perfection be the enemy of good, and I decided to just rank something to see if I could.

And so I now present to you: A ranking of every riff from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Short The Chicken of Tomorrow. This was a pretty easy one to do since the short wasn’t every long, but the DVD I have of it doesn’t have close captioning, which made the transcribing a little tedious. I’ve added notes about some of the jokes in the list. And if you find your favorite riff low in the list … well … even the bad riffs are still pretty good in this one.

And now THE (ranking of the) CHICKEN OF TOMORROW ….

  1. Mike: Eggs are complicated. They should cost $100 each!
    • This is possibly one of favorite MST3k lines. I’ll occasionally say “X is complicated. It should cost $100 each!
  2. Tom: Some eggs don’t even exist.
    • This is another line that I will randomly say.
  3. Crow: There’s no driver … The chickens are taking over!
    • The perfect way to end the short!
  4. Crow: Oh you can’t wait for things to happen, you’ve got to make them happen!
  5. Crow: Yes it’s chicken! Glorious American chicken sliced the American way!
  6. Crow: Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron
  7. Tom: But aren’t chickens with good self-esteem equally important?
  8. Tom: Mork calling Orson
    • This is a reference to the TV show Mork and Mindy starring Robin Williams as Mork from Ork. The Orks used egg-shaped spaceships that you had to break out of like a chicken breaking out of an egg. Mork would telepathically contact his boss by repeating the mantra: “Mork calling Orson, come in Orson.”
  9. Tom: Aren’t there suppose to be pantyhose in there?
  10. Tom: The unholy alliance between big oil and big chickens.
  11. Mike: Stop throwing them at my car!
    • Narrator: Here’s a few facts about eggs …
  12. Mike: I’ll have an egg tomorrow, I swear!
  13. Crow: GRADING!
  14. Tom: Or put a warning slip on her desk.
  15. Tom: Eat and Grow forever!
  16. Crow: Oh yea, who hasn’t?
    • Narrator: Have you ever noticed the old hen turning her eggs over in her nest?
  17. Crow: She’s worth millions.
  18. Mike: Miss Moss, and for you Miss Taylor.
  19. Mike: Time to Die …
  20. Mike: 40 piece chicken nuggets to go!
  21. Tom: Hey guys! It’s God!
  22. Mike: She will live.
    • Apparently Eggs / Feed determines life or death.
  23. Mike: Ride the Wild Mouse!
  24. Mike: I’d like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more the Man of Today?
  25. Mike: Wait a minute: Men and women breeding better poultry? What kinda sick experiment is going on here?
  26. Crow: Oh pardon me.
    • This line isn’t that funny, but I love the voice Crow does for it.
  27. Tom: OOOOOOOOOOO!
  28. Crow: I’ve seen the episode where the eggs come to fast and she starts putting them in her mouth.
  29. Mike: I hate it when people tape their own deliveries.
  30. Mike: It’s Goofus and Gallant.
  31. Mike: Life is grand! It stretches out in front of me like an eternity!
  32. Crow: Garage sale … Goodwill … save for the kids …
  33. Mike: That guys is escaping disgusted as a chicken!
  34. *Crow miming eating chicks*
    • I’ve seen this short at least a billion times, but this is the first time I noticed Crow miming eating the chicks on screen. Hilarious.
  35. Tom: Yeah, they own everything.
    • Narrator: You know how chickens are …
  36. Tom: Joey the Cockstone Tortellie, Ricky the Davantello, Jimmy Crazy Cock Cochinee (probably not transcribed right)
    • Honestly, this joke should be higher on the ranking, but I think I was a little bitter having to listen to the same section a billion times over to get the names and the DVD not having Closed Captioning.
  37. Tom: Everybody, Soylent Green is made from Chickens!
    • This is a reference to the last scene in the movie Soylent Green. Futurama has made several hilarious references to Soylent Green as well.
  38. Mike: There’s no point – it’s just funny!
  39. Crow: These are your chickens on drugs.
    • This is, of course, making fun of the 80’s PSA. Who knew eggs were a gateway drug?
  40. Mike: So put your mouth under a chicken.
  41. Crow: Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.
  42. Mike: So you can see why egg farming is so fascinating.
  43. Mike: Full of Salmonella Tom: *Smacking noises*
    • Salmonella is an infection that you can get from some animals and pets.
  44. Mike: These chickens were smoking in bed.
    • Apparently smoking cigarettes in bed used to be really common. Sounds kind of disgusting to me.
  45. Crow: May I have a piece of my own white meat please?
  46. Tom: Oh thanks for the generous helping … jezze
  47. Tom: These must be models portions here …
  48. Mike: We bring you now to market
  49. Mike: That’s an urban myth!
  50. Tom: Heavens I’m so fat! I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight!
  51. Crow: The chicken shortage of 1937
    • While Google AI enthusiastically states there was a chicken shortage in 1937, I can’t find any hard evidence.
  52. Tom: You could carry it in your wallet.
  53. Mike: There concerts at the gazebo.
  54. Mike: Alright come on sing – row row row – you’re not singing!
  55. Crow: The dressing plant? Sound like fun! Tom: I want a new hat!
  56. Crow: *Snoring sounds* Tom: Buddy … wake up!
  57. Mike: Did America really need to be sold on the automotive industry at this point?
  58. Tom: Betty, must you sit in dinner?
  59. Tom: Fellow poultry men our cherished freedoms are threatened from all sides!
  60. Crow: I don’t think I got what it takes to be the chicken on tomorrow.
  61. Mike: If you’re nice we’ll hook you up to the milking machine.
  62. Mike: Some eggs are sent to solitary.
  63. Mike: It’s nice. You know it’s small but the walls are neutral
  64. Tom: Oh hi Cindy! I’m so glad I’m in your group. This is going to be fun!
  65. Crow: Why am I watching this?
  66. Crow: The Bill Clinton Story!
    • In case you forgot, Bill Clinton was a president. He had some high points, but also some low points.
  67. Tom: The Chicken of Tomorrow in a deadly battle against the Chicken of Today!
  68. Crow: CHICKENS!
  69. Tom: No it isn’t.
    • Really, it isn’t.
  70. Crow: Individual counseling is provided.
  71. Corw: Woo Hoo! We’re going on a trip! Hey, where are we going?
  72. Mike: I think the fella in white really likes us Susan.
  73. Mike: Or migrant workers.
    • How many chickens can fit in a coop?
  74. All: Rodents? AAAAAHHHHH!
  75. Mike: I’m in the incubator now.
  76. Mike: A collections ciders and spring water should be kept on hand.
  77. Crow: Normandy!
  78. Crow: How dry I am? *hickup*
  79. Mike: Or chickens typically.
    • It can hold thousands of guest!
  80. Tom: Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the parameter.
  81. Crow: Make sure to put them all in one basket.
  82. Tom: Hey pal – feed me then clean up my poops!
  83. Crow: Dad went a little nuts this Easter.
  84. Mike: They’re all wearing Rembrandt Hats.
  85. Tom: Broadway!
    • Where everyone is going after incubation.
  86. Mike: Uh … dad … if you could carve a little faster … I’m kinda hungry …
  87. Mike: Cigarette butts, hair, beer cans …
  88. Tom: Such as here at Sotherby’s.
  89. Crow: Which seems excessively anal retentive.
  90. Mike: Even to the Texaco Station!
    • This joke is kinda stupid, but I like the voice Mike makes for it.
  91. Tom: You think I can wear these pants out tonight?
  92. Tom: You know this kinda music helps chickens breed. It’s kinda the Luther Vandross of chicken music.
  93. Crow: This could be your drumstick, this is the number to call.
  94. Mike: Oh this is going to be hot hot hot.
  95. Tom: Alternatively they may bring their eggs early the day of the auction.
  96. Tom: Yeah for pervs.
    • The only appropriate place for a “Chick Inspector” t-shirt.
  97. All: AAAH! Tom: Jezze!
    • Suddenly it’s Carnival of Souls here! (I’m pretty sure that line is from another MST3k, but I can’t remember which one …)
  98. Tom: eh … they mingle … get to know each other.
  99. Tom and Crow: *Chicken Noises*
    • A great way to end this movie!
  100. Mike: How many are you sitting on?
  101. Crow: I said speed is essential!
  102. Crow: Except for the sports section!
  103. Crow: Dedicated to the chickens that lost their life in the Great Chicken War.
  104. Tom: And if they’ve completed their lessons.
  105. Tom: There it is, wait … no … There!
    • Where’s Waldo?
  106. Mike: The chickens are dining in front of a Susan Rothstein mural.
    • Who is Susan Rothstein?? Can’t find a painter by that name.
  107. Mike: Rooms by the hour!
  108. Tom: Chickens are shipped to the set of Oklahoma.
  109. Crow: There’s your appetizers, I’ll be back to get your drink orders ladies.
  110. Tom: Put your hand up Mike: *Put’s hand up*
  111. Mike: Come on that tickles!
  112. Tom: That’s one bloodshot eye.
  113. Tom: Thank you young man!
    • Narrator: Good Chicks come Good Eggs. I love the granny voice Tom does for this line.
  114. Mike: Can I go to the bathroom? Tom: No, stay in there! Mike: Oh can I go home? Tom: No the door’s locked.
  115. Crow: Hey, clean your fingers!
  116. Tom: And one bathroom for all of them.
  117. Mike: For a few weeks only to be eaten.
  118. Crow: Oh wait, that’s my Silly Putty.
  119. Crow: Come on down and eat everybody!
  120. Mike: Design by Frank Loyd Wright.
    • I don’t know … they don’t look complicated and impractical enough.
  121. Tom: Hey! Why are we screeching?
  122. Crow: Open your hymnals to number 325 …
  123. Tom: These are headed for the driving range.
  124. Tom: Hey hey hey, Fat Albert!
    • Fat Albert was a cartoon character from the 80’s.
  125. Mike: You’re adorable!
    • Thank you, young man!
  126. Tom: To be killed … to be killed … to be killed.
  127. Crow: By removing meal worms.
    • How can you improve chicken?
  128. Crow: Hey, I’m trying to sleep in here!
  129. Mike: Say, can I have a bigger egg?
  130. Crow: What did I do last night?
  131. Crow: Woah! Milton Berle there!
  132. Crow: eww … I got a tiny headache.
  133. Tom: The one with the rats.
  134. All: What?
  135. Tom: Yeah go have a little fun.
  136. Mike: Unless filthy Fred there collects them.
  137. Crow: Pullets!
  138. Tom: Right … you push it out. Geesh … this is hard …
  139. Crow: Great … what are those?
  140. Crow: Does this taste funny to you?
  141. Tom: Yeah I’m cool baby!
  142. Mike: Yeah right. Backwards-Jackass Company.
    • Hey! I resemble that remark!
  143. Tom: Ah … he’s drunk!
  144. Mike: Then they turn on each other.
  145. Mike: Oh … I’l be out in a … minute…
  146. Mike: If you kinda squint.
  147. Tom: Oh, it’s true!
    • 100 degree eggs!
  148. Crow: And you know what that means!
  149. Mike: Like wagons!
  150. Tom: Uh … that ones clean …
  151. Crow: Get in there!
  152. Tom: Help me.
  153. Crow: Go … Go …
  154. Crow: And this fellow!
  155. Tom: It’s Ross Perot!
    • In case you don’t remember, Ross Perot was a presidential candidate.
  156. Tom: You bet!
  157. Tom: I’m full!
  158. Crow: Here I come!
  159. Tom: *giberish*

Honorable Mentions

There’s one point in the short where the narrator claims that egg laying should be easy. The film cuts to a chicken in a nest with a voice-over done in the style of a 50’s movie femme fatale: That’s what you think big boy! Mike and the bots are shocked and wowed by this, with – I think – Tom commenting “That was weird!”